There was an assembly of all Cadets and acting Ensigns in Main Engineering. Peter Parker stood with his friend Wesley Crusher, who chose to intermittently congregate with the likes of Flash Thompson, Liz Allen and the rest of that group. They stood and watched as two men wheeled a strange-looking machine into the room. They were both civilians, but they were powerfully-built, and apparently employed by the Daystrom Institute, which was responsible for much of the Federation’s scientific research and advancement.
“Put it right there, in the center of the room, gentlemen!” instructed Chief Engineer Argyle, with a gesture.
“Wow, what a creepy-lookin’ gizmo that is!” Flash Thompson crudely observed. It was, indeed, a strange-looking device, in that it resembled a stocky humanoid on wheels, but was clearly more of a robot.
“That ‘gizmo’ happens to be one of the scientific marvels of the age, loudmouth!” Peter snapped.
“Well, well! Listen to Peter Parker, the demon scientist!” Flash spun around to shove him. “You sure talk big and brave when there are officers around, don’t you, Puny Parker?”
“Look out, you dumb clown, the control panel!” Peter stopped himself from falling by bracing himself against a control panel, and he nearly pressed a button that would have dimmed the lights in the room.
“Okay, okay! Don’t court-martial me! It was an accident!”
“You’re the only accident around here, you clumsy meathead! I oughta...”
Flash got in his face. “You oughta what, weakling?”
“Boys!” Liz interrupted. “Keep your voices down! Remember, Chief Argyle’s right over there!”
“Okay, Liz,” Peter acknowledged. “But Flash has gone too far this time!”
“Look, scarecrow! We’ll see if you still talk so big after this assembly!”
“Just hang around, ugly! You’ve got a little surprise coming!”
I’ve had it! I’m through pretending to be a pantywaist to conceal my real identity!
“Hey Pete, you really don’t wanna--” Wesley was cut off as Argyle called the Cadets to order.
“Attention, everyone! We have an important treat for you today! The Daystrom Institute is exhibiting a robotic computer prototype of the original Constitution-Class ship’s computer. This robot was never put into service, but the Institute has maintained it for over a hundred years. Today it is our turn to have a demonstration of this historic machine! And now, I will introduce Mister Petty, of the Institute, who will explain the machine!”
“You’d be better off if they introduced Wesley’s mom, after I’m done with you!” Flash whispered.
“Aw, give your jaw a rest while you can—before I fracture it!” Peter retorted.
“Thank you for your introduction, Mister Argyle,” Petty began. “And now, Cadets...this computer was built in the form of a human body in order to dramatize its powers! It was once the greatest mechanical brain ever built! In fact, we call it The Living Brain! Notice how its legs have ball-bearing rollers on them, enabling the brain to move upon command! And its arms are so constructed that they too can perform simple motions...but the most important thing about the brain, of course, is its ability to think! It contains more knowledge than any other brain of its time, humanoid or mechanical! It will answer any question which is fed to it...basing its answer on the vast storehouses of information which is possesses! And, unlike the human brain, it never forgets a thing!
“Now, Mister Argyle, would you select a Cadet to assist me, please?”
“Peter Parker is one of our top science students!” he said, to Wesley’s dismay. “Parker, will you step up here for a moment?”
With a push from Flash, Peter approached. “I’ll be glad to, sir!”
“Sure you’d be glad to!” Flash whispered. “How does it feel to be a professional teacher’s pet?”
“Quiet, Flash!” Liz whispered next. “Let’s see what they want Pete to do!”
Moments later...
“Now that I’ve explained the brain’s operation to you,” Petty said, “let’s see you—hey! You learn pretty quickly!”
“Thanks, Mister Petty! Actually, I’ve read a lot about electronic brains! I’ve always been real interested in them—and it helps to serve on a ship with none other than Lieutenant Data!”
Data was amongst those at the exhibition, in fact. He had taken a special interest in this display of antiquated robotic technology.
“Now, everyone,” Petty went on, “you think of a question for the living brain, and then Parker will feed it to him and see if he can answer it!”
One of the men who had wheeled it in turned to the other one with a sneer. “Didja hear him call the brain ‘he’--like it was a real person?”
“It’s smarter than any real person! It can figure out horse race winners, elections, anything! We could get rich if we owned it!”
In the meantime, the Cadets talked amongst themselves.
“What should we ask the brain?” one girl asked Wesley.
“Gosh, I don’t know! What do you think?”
“Search me!” Flash exclaimed. “Got any ideas, Liz?”
“Yes! I thought of something everybody would like to know! Let’s see how smart the Brain really is...what is Spider-Man’s real identity?!”
“Hey! That’s terrific!” one Cadet said.
“What a great question!” said another.
This is terrible! Peter thought, in a panic. What if the Brain is smart enough to answer that? What’ll I do?!
Petty responded to the students’ excitement. “Impossible as that question seems, if the Living Brain is fed enough information about Spider-Man, he might be able to answer it!”
And so, the Cadets called out all the facts they could think of about the costumed mystery man...
“He’s about five feet, ten inches tall!”
“Weighs about one hundred sixty pounds!”
“He’s been sighted on the Enterprise a lot!”
“He’s the most wonderful, heroic, glamorous man in the whole world!” Liz interjected.
“If you ask me, he’s a neurotic nut!”
Then, after all the available facts had been gathered, Peter fed them to the Brain in the form of mathematical symbols...
“I’ve reduced all the known information about Spider-Man to a form which the Brain can absorb, s-so here goes!”
“Don’t be nervous, Parker!” Petty unwittingly reassured him. “With all the facts you’re feeding it, the Brain has a very good chance of solving the problem of Spider-Man’s real identity!”
I know it! That’s what I’m nervous about! Uh-oh! The Brain is signalling! The answer is ready! Boy, it sure didn’t take long!
“Very well, Parker! As you can see by that winking light, the answer is ready for you! You may take it now!”
“Yes, so I see! I-I’ll get it!” He carefully pulled out a thin slip of paper which emerged from the belly of the robot. It clearly read “Parker is Spider-Man”, but he cleverly concealed it from the rest of the room.
“As you know, the answer is given in the form of mathematical code symbols! It will be up to you to translate them overnight, Parker!”
These sure don’t look like code symbols. But...<whew>, good! At least this gives me time to try to think of something!
In the meantime, the two attendants were making plans of their own...
“Then it’s a deal? First chance we get, we steal the Brain!”
“We’ll make a fortune out of it and skip to some other country!”
And, at that moment...
“Let me have that paper, Parker!” Flash insisted, reaching for it. “You’re too weak to take care of something so valuable! I’ll decode it!”
But Peter wasn’t having any of it. He reached over his shoulder with his free hand and daintily grabbed Flash’s hand, to deflect his grab. “Get your grubby hands off this, Thompson! You couldn’t decode your own name unless someone spelled it out for you!”
“You heard me, bird-brain!” Flash shouted, grabbing for it again.
Wesley stepped up to them and said, “C’mon, Flash! Leave him alone. This is silly!”
“This isn’t any of your business, worm!”
“All right, you two!” Argyle finally intervened. “Break it up—and I mean right now!”
“Yes sir!” Flash crisply snapped.
“Sorry, Mister Argyle,” Peter added.
“I’ve had my eye on you two for a while now! If you both are such enemies, I suggest you settle your feud once and for all—in the gym!”
“It’s a deal!” Flash immediately responded, his fist clenched, his body poised and ready for action.
Peter’s posture was just the same when he said, “Suits me just fine!”
And so, after the demonstration...
“Poor Parker, this is one time you couldn’t get out of a fight, huh?”
They all heckled him as he left.
“Well, don’t worry, stringbean! It won’t last long! You’ll never know what hit you!”
The only thing I’m worried about is not being able to pull my punches enough so I don’t really clobber that bag of wind! Anyway, everyone forgot about the paper with Spider-Man’s identity on it!
“Don’t end it too soon, Flash boy!” one of Flash’s friends encouraged him later, in the holodeck-turned-gym. “Give us a little show, huh?”
“Don’t worry! It’s taken months to get Parker to agree to fight! After waiting so long, I wanna really enjoy this!”
“Don’t be too rough on him, Flash!” Liz requested. “He can’t help it if he’s not the musclebound man you are!”
“What round will you finish him off in, Flash?”
“You mean what minute of the first round!” Flash retorted.
“You gonna tie one hand behind you, Flash-boy?” Tiny asked.
In the meantime, Peter and Wesley were having a very different conversation.
“You don’t have to go through with this, Peter. He could really hurt you!”
Peter just looked at him as though he’d been insulted.
“Come on, Peter, I don’t mean to call you weak, but this isn’t your thing! You’re a scientist, like me. We do engineering and invent stuff!”
Peter snorted his disdain. “When has that ever gotten me an ounce of respect? Forget it, Wes. I have to get this over with.”
“I’ll referee the fight, boys!” called out the Lieutenant who had been assigned to oversee it. Poor Parker! Wesley Crusher’s the only one here rooting for him! I wish, by some miracle, that he could—but no, he hasn’t got a chance!
Finally, the fight began! Peter’s spider-instinct and lightning-fast reflexes enabled him to move away from Flash’s blows at the split-second that Flash began to throw them! But, to the watching Cadets, it looked as though...
“Parker’s a coward! Look at him staying out of Flash’s reach!”
I avoid Flash’s swings so fast that the others just think I’m staying out of range! My reflexes are too good!
“C’mon and fight, chicken Parker!” Flash yelled as he just missed one of Peter’s gloves.
I’ll pull my punch as much as I can now...he doesn’t realize that to me he seems to be moving in slow motion!
WHAM!
There! I put only the smallest fraction of my power into that blow!
“Holy cow! Did you see that!” exclaimed Tiny, as Flash flew clear through the ropes.
“I’m not sure!” Liz replied. “It happened so fast, it was like a blur to me!”
Peter put his glove to his face in shock. This is what I’ve always feared! Even though I hit him as easy as I could, it was still too hard!
Tiny knelt next to his friend by the ringside. “Pretty clever, eh, Flash? You’re just clownin’ around—trying to make Parker think he’s a powerhouse before you finish him off, eh?”
Flash was still in a daze. “Huh? Oh, yeah—sure! That’s what I’m doin’! Just trying to have a few laughs before I clobber him!”
But, despite his brave words, Flash Thompson approached his foe with far more caution than before...
It musta been a lucky punch! B-but how did he knock me clean through the ropes?! It all happened so fast—I probably tripped! Sure, that must be it! I just tripped over the ropes!
Meanwhile, in Engineering, the two assistants were alone with The Living Brain.
“Now’s our chance to take this meal ticket and cut out of here!” one of them whispered to the other, lest he be heard by the nearby engineering officers.
“Right! These people are too busy with running the ship!”
But there was one person who was more intent on the Living Brain...
“Wait! Where are you two going with the Brain?!”
“It’s Petty! We’ve got to shut him up, fast!”
One of them very unceremoniously decked him. His friend was jostled behind him, and said “Hey—look out! You made me bump into the Brain’s control panel!”
It came to life, its arm swinging upward. “Oh no! I must have short-circuited it! Look--it’s moving by itself! It—it never did that before! It’s coming towards us—as though it wants to harm us! How do we stop it!”
As its arms whizzed faster and faster, the two men made a mad dash away from the thing, all the while pretending that they were unaware of how its antics had started.
“We can’t stop it! Can’t get near it while its arms are swingin’ that way!”
“Anything can happen now! Let’s get out of here—while we can!”
The robot rolled ahead of them and blocked the exit. Several engineers crowded around or peered from the walkway above, intent on the strange occurrence.
The two men looked back imploringly at Chief Engineer Argyle, who regarded them and the robot with confusion.
“Is it dangerous?” his assistant, Jim Shimoda, asked nervously.
“Hard to say, Jim. Remember Lore? He could be just as bad. Then again, he’s a piece of history! I’d hate to have to do him any damage....”
In the holodeck, the fight went on...
Tiny continued to encourage his friend. “Come on, Flash boy! You’ve carried him long enough! Give ‘im the ol’ one-two now!”
“Naw, let me prolong the agony a little longer!”
I’m trying to finish him off, but I can’t! I don’t get it! He dodged every punch without even tryin’!
Then Parker spoke up. “Okay, loudmouth! The fun’s over! Now you’re gonna learn a lesson you’ll never forget!”
I’ve finally learned how to hit him without splattering him all over the gym! I’ll just swat him by flipping my wrist instead of my whole arm!
“Here it comes, Flash!” Peter announced as he drew back his fist, offering his opponent plenty of warning. “Now smile--I want to remember you as you look right now!”
Flash smiled, but it was a smile of condescension, as though he knew that Peter couldn’t possibly take him down. Peter, however, faked him out with his right and then swung with his left, taking Flash down with little effort.
“What the hell--!” Tiny exclaimed.
Liz was jumping up and down and clapping her hands in pure excitement. “It’s impossible!”
Wesley stood with his mouth hanging open. “I don’t believe it...”
“Believe it, friends!” Peter grinned with adrenaline as he made for the ropes. “Peter Parker isn’t going to be pushed around anymore!”
But some of them weren’t satisfied.
“I want a shot at ya too, Parker!” Tiny announced.
Peter stared at him, incredulous.
What have I done? I’m in real trouble now, if I develop a reputation for being a fighter. Aunt May’ll kill me, first of all! Second, this could affect my whole Starfleet career! What am I gonna do?
“Sorry, Tiny. I can’t go handing out punches like that as if they’re a dime a dozen. I don’t really like beating people up. I just do it when it’s the only way.”
Tiny stared at him skeptically. “The hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the answer being ‘no’.”
Wesley stepped up at this point. “I don’t think Peter really likes to fight, Tiny.”
Tiny turned now to loom over Wesley, while Peter climbed free of the ring. “Maybe you wanna get up in there with me, huh? I bet you can whip me in circles over your head with just one hand!” Then he seemed to remember that they were there under supervision, because he threw up his hands and left the room.
The robot turned back after the two men, who in turn turned tail and charged toward the nearest ladder. “We can get out of reach of the stupid thing!” one of them crowed.
“How about a stasis field?” mused Shimoda.
“Sure,” said Argyle, “but first, let’s get up the ladder after those two, where the robot can’t touch us!”
“Good idea.”
“Everybody up!” Argyle called out, and his staff began to ascend. He chose to remain until last, like any good commander. The robot, in the meantime, made a beeline for him.
“Shit,” he mumbled. He took off at a run, toward the back of engineering, but there wasn’t another way up, so he jumped into the nearest Jeffries tube, only to find it blocked by the unconscious form of Petty.
“Petty? But he’s--”
The two men. But there was no time to think about it. He shoved Petty ahead of him and climbed into the tight space. The robot was coming at him faster now, so he put up the hatch in its way and breathed a sigh of relief.
But it wasn’t over yet.
Peter basked in all the attention from people who were, under other circumstances, not his friends. Betty Brant found her way over to him and said, “So, it looks like you took care of a few things that needed to be taken care of.”
They locked eyes in an understanding. “Yeah...you could say that.”
Suddenly, he felt his spider-sense alert him to danger. He got a good look around, but the crowd of Cadets didn’t know what he was about at that point. “I’m sorry, I—you’ll all have to excuse me. It’s been fun, but I didn’t do this to, um, for attention.”
Despite their objections, he dashed for the door and tried to use his spider-sense to pinpoint the origin of the danger.
Jim Shimoda looked down from the ladder as he ascended it last. The robot stared at the hatch Argyle had sealed behind him, and within seconds it was prodding it with its makeshift hands, which consisted of three fingers which all could close upon a single point, extending from a rotating bulb of sorts. The robot explored the hatch and was about to discover how to pull it open, and Jim knew that a security field would do nothing to impede it from getting at Argyle. Then again, how could such a bulky construct pursue someone inside a Jeffries Tube?
Peter followed his spider-instinct up to the Engineering deck, where he peered into Main Engineering and saw the commotion; at first, all he glimpsed was an empty deck. Then, as he continued to stare, he noticed the Living Brain at work on a section of wall which was actually a Jeffries Tube hatch.
Curiouser and curiouser, he thought.
The sound of boots running down the corridor alerted him to the approach of security personnel, so he leapt onto the ceiling and into the nearest tube to hide.
“Come on, wake up!” Argyle growled at his unconscious partner inside the tube. “You’re the only one who can shut that damned thing off!”
Petty finally grumbled something and then sat up, holding his head at the dizziness that overtook him.
“What the—why am I—where--?”
“Too much to explain. Your robot’s on the loose out there attacking people, and we need to shut him off!”
“Right, of course,” Petty nodded. “Where is he?”
The sound of the plate coming loose next to him made him turn and look, even though he could see nothing but darkness.
“There?”
“Yes, about to pull that hatch off the wall, and then...well, I guess you know, don’t you?”
“No.” Petty shook his head vigorously, but frowned when it hurt. “I’ve never known him to be violent. Never!”
“Well, he’s got a sudden streak, then.”
The hatch came away from the wall. Robotic arms reached for them. And then...
“Fan out!” Tasha yelled, and she and her team spread out through the room. They all had their phasers out, and the robot spun around to regard them. It paused as though it was calculating its next move carefully. How to escape with so many phasers trained on it?
Petty climbed over Argyle very quietly and groped around the robot’s frame for the control panel. Within seconds, it was deactivated.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. And then...
“Okay! Everyone can relax now! I made it!!” Spider-Man swung down from the ceiling just as the security team and everyone else relaxed and came out from behind cover, or down the ladder, accordingly. Spider-Man could only look around and hold his hands out, palms up, in confusion. “Okay, so what just happened? Did I miss everything?”
Worf bared his teeth. “You do not belong here,” he growled. Worf then raised both fists in a peculiar Klingon fighting stance, but Spider-Man held up his hands passively.
“Not today, Worf. I’ve beaten up enough bullies for one day.”
Worf could only stare at him, confused, as he leapt all the way to the ceiling and made his escape.
Captain’s Log...
We are orbiting Risa, the so-called ‘Pleasure Planet’, to rendezvous with the Fantastic Four. We have crucial data on a star system where Doctor Doom may be up to his usual nefarious machinations. In the meantime, I have allowed some of the crew to beam to the surface to enjoy the planet’s unique offerings. I look forward to an opportunity to beam down myself someday, perhaps on some distant shoreleave, and explore the famous archaeological ruins on the surface.
Spider-Man sat suspended by a slender webline outside of a house in one of Risa’s most affluent neighborhoods. “Affluent” was, of course, a matter of perception, because Risa was a culture which abhorred money, and in fact, one of the world’s most popular saying was “what is ours is yours”. Nonetheless, the people in this particular neighborhood were well-known and well-connected within the Federation and without.
This is where Doris Evans, the Torch’s girlfriend, lives! While I’m in the neighborhood, I’ll pay her a visit and show her what she’s missing by not dating Spider-Man!
Well, hit my head and call me shorty! Looks like I’m just in time for a party!
He hung there and watched as people greeted one another at the door.
“Look! There’s the Human Torch! Hi, Johnny...we’ve been waiting for you!” one girl excitedly exclaimed, as Johnny Storm drove up in an old Earth automobile.
“Johnny Storm!” another girl chided teasingly at the window. “You didn’t tell me you had a replica Stingray! It’s gorgeous!”
“Travelin’ in style these days, eh, Torch?” one of his male buddies added as he leaned on the hood.
Johnny was just eating it up. The look on his face couldn’t have been more full of joy. “Well, it’s no Fantasti-Car, but it takes me where I’m goin’!”
One girl toward the back of his car whispered to a partygoer nearby, “Last week he was driving an XK Jag! And now this! Oh, if only Doris hadn’t found him first!”
A few minutes later...
Spider-Man worked his way around to the side of the house with no one noticing, while the partygoers eagerly filed inside to enjoy themselves with Doris and Johnny. He crept along sideways with his back against the wall, and eventually came to a window where he could peer inside. It was plain to see that Johnny was having the time of his life. With not a single hint of unhappiness on his face, he had his hands in the air and was creating trails of flames for adoring onlookers. Even the other boys at the party watched in awe, and didn’t try to compete with him.
Hmmph! It didn’t take long for that flaming phony to start showing off, Peter thought with mounting disgust. Well, now I’ll show them what Spider-Man can do! I’ll just weave a little web-bat out here! It’ll keep the party from getting dull!
Meanwhile, inside, the Torch used his infrared glowing powers to dazzle his teenage friends.
“Here, Sally! I’ll put an infrared spotlight on you while you dance!”
Sally was attractive indeed. Blonde and slim, with a figure made for dancing. When it was outlined in a reddish glow, she positively shone.
“Mmm! Wait until the actor’s union hears about you, Johnny!”
But all of a sudden, the party was in disarray. “Eek! A bat!!” one of the girls leapt to her feet, and everybody scrambled as the strange, winged figure flapped about in their midst.
“Ohh! Get it away!” Sally groused as she ducked. “It’s so dreadful-looking!”
Johnny stood tensed and ready to attack, but then he said, “Hold it, everyone! There’s something funny about it! It isn’t real! I’ll just swat at it with this pillow, and--Hey! It just came apart! It’s just a mass of some kind of threads!”
“Not threads, sonny-boy!” came a familiar voice from the corner of the room. Johnny turned in startled rage and saw Spider-Man leaning against the wall, casual as you please. “Webs! Gen-u-wine Spider-Man webs! The kind your friendly neighborhood grocer doesn’t sell!”
“Spider-Man!!” Johnny roared, pulling the tangled webs off of himself. “I might have known!”
“Stop bragging! You mightn’t have known! You’re not smart enough!”
“How did Spider-Man get here?” one girl wondered.
“He’s got some nerve crashing a private party!” one of the guys commented.
Another girl added, “Johnny, can’t you get rid of him?”
Spider-Man was a little taken aback by their reactions, especially so soon after Peter Parker had stood up for himself and proven that he wasn’t a kid to be trifled with. He took it in stride, however, and bowed at the waist for his audience.
“Thank you, kind friends, for your warm welcome! Being you insist, I’ll be glad to join your little party!”
Johnny, still covered in web strands, went right up to Spider-Man and got in his face, and it was obvious that he was on the verge of pure rage. “Listen, web-head, I’ve got news for you! You’re as funny as a rusty crutch! So go crawl back under your stone!”
Spider-Man ignored the mixed metaphor and replied glibly with, “Say, you don’t happen to be related to another sunshine boy named J. Jonah Jameson, do you?”
“Okay, big mouth! You had your chance! If you won’t leave peacefully, I’ll toss you out on your ear! Flame on!”
As soon as Johnny’s body was washed in flames, the webs dissolved around him and he was ready for war.
“Who writes your dialogue, squirt?” Spider-Man jibed. “Captain Picard? If it’s a fight you want, c’mon outside!”
Spider-Man fled the house, and Johnny was right on his tail. “I’ll just do that little thing, wiseguy!”
“And awaaay we go!” Spidey cried as he swung away through the rooftops and treetops. Johnny remained in hot pursuit, and it didn’t take him long to hurl a flaming arrow at Spider-Man.
“Here! This’ll bring you down to Earth, laughing-boy!”
It sliced right through the webline that Spidey was on. “Watch that flame, cornball! These webs cost money!”
Spidey nevertheless used more webbing as he created a pair of parachutes, one for each hand, and drifted downward. As he drifted, he sang. “He floats through the air with the greatest of ease!”
The Torch whipped around and flew in an arc that encompassed Spider-Man. “I guess that’ll teach you not to mess around with the Human Torch!”
Spider-Man touched down on a beach. “You kiddin’? I just wanted to see what you can do! And now it’s my turn! Don’t go ‘way, Johnny boy!”
Spidey whipped up two gigantic web-nets and dragged them along the beach so that they collected a lot of sand.
“Okay, you animated insect! You asked for it! Here I come!”
“Oh, no! I’d better prepare a welcome for such a big, bad blazing birdbrain! Come n’ get it, Torchy! This’ll cool you off but good!” With that, Spidey smashed the two web-balls together so that they exploded right on the Human Torch and buried him. When he finally managed to stand again, his flames had diminished significantly.
“That was very unfriendly of you, little man!” the Torch goaded. “Also very unwise! Because now I’m really mad!”
“I guess that’s my cue to fall to my knees and beg for mercy with tears in my eyes, eh? Well, you’ve got the wrong character this time! So how about giving up now, while you can?”
But, drying off within seconds due to the inner heat generated by his intense anger, the Torch tried another maneuver!
“Here’s a little stunt you hadn’t counted on, meathead! I can focus my flame on a small plot of ground, making it erupt...like this!”
True to form, as the Torch applied his heat to the ground, it projected to where Spidey stood and caused the ground to explode beneath him. His spider-sense allowed him to dodge, then duck and cover as clods of dirt flew at him.
“Watch it, man! A thing like this can give a guy a headache!”
“Ver-ry funny! Now let’s see how these flamin’ buzz-saws amuse you! I’ll make you wish you’d never heard of the Human Torch by the time I’m through with you!”
A slew of flaming buzz-saws were indeed hurled Spidey’s way, making him keep a rigorous pace to avoid them.
“I notice you’re not makin’ with the wisecracks now, big man!”
Those things are coming too close for comfort...but I’m not gonna tell him that! Maybe I shoulda just quit when I was ahead!
Maybe it’s not fair to use so much flame against him, but I can’t help it! That guy really gets under my skin!
Johnny prepared yet another special attack for his opponent.
“Come back, you slippery snake! I’m not through with you yet! Here, this fireball will spread into a net, trapping you until you beg for mercy!”
But with his superhuman agility, Spider-Man easily darted through the spaces in the Torch’s flame net...
Whew! I guess I’d better just call it a draw and cut out of here! I didn’t expect tht human matchstick to get so angry!
Suddenly, before Spider-Man could regain his feet, he saw a hand stretched out in front of him from atop a small embankment above the sand, where the rest of the Fantastic Four sat.
“Can I give you a hand, son?” Reed Richards inquired politely, his arm extended to about three or four feet.
“Ol’ Torchy ain’t as easy to handle as ya though, huh?” Thing added in.
“Mister Fantastic! Invisible Girl! And the musclebound Thing!” Spidey couldn’t help but exclaim.
Before Reed knew it, there was webbing practically crawling up his arm. “Wait! What are you doing? Knock it off, boy!”
“Think I’m gonna sit there and let you laugh at me? Well, you’ve got another thing coming...all of you!” With that, he yanked Reed through the air toward him.
“No one’s laughing at you, you fool! Stop!! Don’t force us to get rough!”
“Clam up, skinny!” Thing said to Reed. “What’s wrong with gettin’ rough?! I’m itchin’ to tangle with that clown!”
“I’m really mad now!” Spidey confirmed. “I don’t care how many of you there are! I’ll clobber you all! And then I’ll go back and settle up with that flaming freak!”
Thing hefted a rock that was twice his own massive size, intent on crushing Spidey where he stood. “Stand back, boys and girls! Ol’ Benjamin J. Grimm is gonna knock a little sense into that creep’s fat head! For cryin’ out loud! Where’d he go!”
Spidey had adhered to the opposite side of the rock, completely unbenknownst to the befuddled Thing.
“I’ll give you three guesses, gargoyle!”
“Well ain’t you a riot! I hope you’ve got a good doctor, genius!”
“Your concern for my welfare touches me deeply, handsome! When did you join the salvation army?”
Thing hurled the rock into the ocean. “Dammit! Everyone’s a comedian nowadays!”
But Spidey leapt clear. “Not everybody! You’re a bore, Thing! And now, I’ll make a pair of wings out of my web fluid, and crash-dive down and pulverize you!”
Reed and Thing stood side-by-side, ready for him. “Know somethin’, fathead? I was hopin’ you’d try that!”
“Easy, Ben! He’s only a kid!”
“Yeah? Well this ‘kid’ is gonna demolish that big ape!”
But, before Spider-Man and the Thing could tangle...
“Hey! Leggo! What’s goin’ on here?” Spidey was yanked aside by an unseen force.
“Nice work, Sue!” Reed commended.
“This nonsense has gone far enough!” Sue Storm said from her invisible position. “Now you just stop it!” She turned visible and crouched by the fallen Spider-Man. “You’re entirely too clever and adorable to be fighting with us! I’ll bet you’re as handsome as you are muscular under that mask!”
Ben groaned. “Aw, cut it out, Sue! I just ate!”
But Sue got Spidey and Johnny together and said, “Now why don’t you boys just shake hands like gentlemen and bury the hatchet?!”
“I’d like to bury it, all alright! And I’ll give you three guesses where!” Obviously Johnny was less than interested.
Spidey echoed his sentiment. “Well, well, look who just made a funny!” He took a leap and went on his way. “Go on back to your dull party, Torch! I wouldn’t join ya on a bet! It’s a good thing you’ve got Mr. Fantastic and the Thing to wet-nurse you! And as for your sister Sue...she’s the only good thing about the overrated Fantastic Four!”
From a high vantage point, he wove a heart out of webbing and left it behind for her.
“For goodness’ sake! Look what he left! He spun it out of his web fluid...for me!”
“Put it right there, in the center of the room, gentlemen!” instructed Chief Engineer Argyle, with a gesture.
“Wow, what a creepy-lookin’ gizmo that is!” Flash Thompson crudely observed. It was, indeed, a strange-looking device, in that it resembled a stocky humanoid on wheels, but was clearly more of a robot.
“That ‘gizmo’ happens to be one of the scientific marvels of the age, loudmouth!” Peter snapped.
“Well, well! Listen to Peter Parker, the demon scientist!” Flash spun around to shove him. “You sure talk big and brave when there are officers around, don’t you, Puny Parker?”
“Look out, you dumb clown, the control panel!” Peter stopped himself from falling by bracing himself against a control panel, and he nearly pressed a button that would have dimmed the lights in the room.
“Okay, okay! Don’t court-martial me! It was an accident!”
“You’re the only accident around here, you clumsy meathead! I oughta...”
Flash got in his face. “You oughta what, weakling?”
“Boys!” Liz interrupted. “Keep your voices down! Remember, Chief Argyle’s right over there!”
“Okay, Liz,” Peter acknowledged. “But Flash has gone too far this time!”
“Look, scarecrow! We’ll see if you still talk so big after this assembly!”
“Just hang around, ugly! You’ve got a little surprise coming!”
I’ve had it! I’m through pretending to be a pantywaist to conceal my real identity!
“Hey Pete, you really don’t wanna--” Wesley was cut off as Argyle called the Cadets to order.
“Attention, everyone! We have an important treat for you today! The Daystrom Institute is exhibiting a robotic computer prototype of the original Constitution-Class ship’s computer. This robot was never put into service, but the Institute has maintained it for over a hundred years. Today it is our turn to have a demonstration of this historic machine! And now, I will introduce Mister Petty, of the Institute, who will explain the machine!”
“You’d be better off if they introduced Wesley’s mom, after I’m done with you!” Flash whispered.
“Aw, give your jaw a rest while you can—before I fracture it!” Peter retorted.
“Thank you for your introduction, Mister Argyle,” Petty began. “And now, Cadets...this computer was built in the form of a human body in order to dramatize its powers! It was once the greatest mechanical brain ever built! In fact, we call it The Living Brain! Notice how its legs have ball-bearing rollers on them, enabling the brain to move upon command! And its arms are so constructed that they too can perform simple motions...but the most important thing about the brain, of course, is its ability to think! It contains more knowledge than any other brain of its time, humanoid or mechanical! It will answer any question which is fed to it...basing its answer on the vast storehouses of information which is possesses! And, unlike the human brain, it never forgets a thing!
“Now, Mister Argyle, would you select a Cadet to assist me, please?”
“Peter Parker is one of our top science students!” he said, to Wesley’s dismay. “Parker, will you step up here for a moment?”
With a push from Flash, Peter approached. “I’ll be glad to, sir!”
“Sure you’d be glad to!” Flash whispered. “How does it feel to be a professional teacher’s pet?”
“Quiet, Flash!” Liz whispered next. “Let’s see what they want Pete to do!”
Moments later...
“Now that I’ve explained the brain’s operation to you,” Petty said, “let’s see you—hey! You learn pretty quickly!”
“Thanks, Mister Petty! Actually, I’ve read a lot about electronic brains! I’ve always been real interested in them—and it helps to serve on a ship with none other than Lieutenant Data!”
Data was amongst those at the exhibition, in fact. He had taken a special interest in this display of antiquated robotic technology.
“Now, everyone,” Petty went on, “you think of a question for the living brain, and then Parker will feed it to him and see if he can answer it!”
One of the men who had wheeled it in turned to the other one with a sneer. “Didja hear him call the brain ‘he’--like it was a real person?”
“It’s smarter than any real person! It can figure out horse race winners, elections, anything! We could get rich if we owned it!”
In the meantime, the Cadets talked amongst themselves.
“What should we ask the brain?” one girl asked Wesley.
“Gosh, I don’t know! What do you think?”
“Search me!” Flash exclaimed. “Got any ideas, Liz?”
“Yes! I thought of something everybody would like to know! Let’s see how smart the Brain really is...what is Spider-Man’s real identity?!”
“Hey! That’s terrific!” one Cadet said.
“What a great question!” said another.
This is terrible! Peter thought, in a panic. What if the Brain is smart enough to answer that? What’ll I do?!
Petty responded to the students’ excitement. “Impossible as that question seems, if the Living Brain is fed enough information about Spider-Man, he might be able to answer it!”
And so, the Cadets called out all the facts they could think of about the costumed mystery man...
“He’s about five feet, ten inches tall!”
“Weighs about one hundred sixty pounds!”
“He’s been sighted on the Enterprise a lot!”
“He’s the most wonderful, heroic, glamorous man in the whole world!” Liz interjected.
“If you ask me, he’s a neurotic nut!”
Then, after all the available facts had been gathered, Peter fed them to the Brain in the form of mathematical symbols...
“I’ve reduced all the known information about Spider-Man to a form which the Brain can absorb, s-so here goes!”
“Don’t be nervous, Parker!” Petty unwittingly reassured him. “With all the facts you’re feeding it, the Brain has a very good chance of solving the problem of Spider-Man’s real identity!”
I know it! That’s what I’m nervous about! Uh-oh! The Brain is signalling! The answer is ready! Boy, it sure didn’t take long!
“Very well, Parker! As you can see by that winking light, the answer is ready for you! You may take it now!”
“Yes, so I see! I-I’ll get it!” He carefully pulled out a thin slip of paper which emerged from the belly of the robot. It clearly read “Parker is Spider-Man”, but he cleverly concealed it from the rest of the room.
“As you know, the answer is given in the form of mathematical code symbols! It will be up to you to translate them overnight, Parker!”
These sure don’t look like code symbols. But...<whew>, good! At least this gives me time to try to think of something!
In the meantime, the two attendants were making plans of their own...
“Then it’s a deal? First chance we get, we steal the Brain!”
“We’ll make a fortune out of it and skip to some other country!”
And, at that moment...
“Let me have that paper, Parker!” Flash insisted, reaching for it. “You’re too weak to take care of something so valuable! I’ll decode it!”
But Peter wasn’t having any of it. He reached over his shoulder with his free hand and daintily grabbed Flash’s hand, to deflect his grab. “Get your grubby hands off this, Thompson! You couldn’t decode your own name unless someone spelled it out for you!”
“You heard me, bird-brain!” Flash shouted, grabbing for it again.
Wesley stepped up to them and said, “C’mon, Flash! Leave him alone. This is silly!”
“This isn’t any of your business, worm!”
“All right, you two!” Argyle finally intervened. “Break it up—and I mean right now!”
“Yes sir!” Flash crisply snapped.
“Sorry, Mister Argyle,” Peter added.
“I’ve had my eye on you two for a while now! If you both are such enemies, I suggest you settle your feud once and for all—in the gym!”
“It’s a deal!” Flash immediately responded, his fist clenched, his body poised and ready for action.
Peter’s posture was just the same when he said, “Suits me just fine!”
And so, after the demonstration...
“Poor Parker, this is one time you couldn’t get out of a fight, huh?”
They all heckled him as he left.
“Well, don’t worry, stringbean! It won’t last long! You’ll never know what hit you!”
The only thing I’m worried about is not being able to pull my punches enough so I don’t really clobber that bag of wind! Anyway, everyone forgot about the paper with Spider-Man’s identity on it!
“Don’t end it too soon, Flash boy!” one of Flash’s friends encouraged him later, in the holodeck-turned-gym. “Give us a little show, huh?”
“Don’t worry! It’s taken months to get Parker to agree to fight! After waiting so long, I wanna really enjoy this!”
“Don’t be too rough on him, Flash!” Liz requested. “He can’t help it if he’s not the musclebound man you are!”
“What round will you finish him off in, Flash?”
“You mean what minute of the first round!” Flash retorted.
“You gonna tie one hand behind you, Flash-boy?” Tiny asked.
In the meantime, Peter and Wesley were having a very different conversation.
“You don’t have to go through with this, Peter. He could really hurt you!”
Peter just looked at him as though he’d been insulted.
“Come on, Peter, I don’t mean to call you weak, but this isn’t your thing! You’re a scientist, like me. We do engineering and invent stuff!”
Peter snorted his disdain. “When has that ever gotten me an ounce of respect? Forget it, Wes. I have to get this over with.”
“I’ll referee the fight, boys!” called out the Lieutenant who had been assigned to oversee it. Poor Parker! Wesley Crusher’s the only one here rooting for him! I wish, by some miracle, that he could—but no, he hasn’t got a chance!
Finally, the fight began! Peter’s spider-instinct and lightning-fast reflexes enabled him to move away from Flash’s blows at the split-second that Flash began to throw them! But, to the watching Cadets, it looked as though...
“Parker’s a coward! Look at him staying out of Flash’s reach!”
I avoid Flash’s swings so fast that the others just think I’m staying out of range! My reflexes are too good!
“C’mon and fight, chicken Parker!” Flash yelled as he just missed one of Peter’s gloves.
I’ll pull my punch as much as I can now...he doesn’t realize that to me he seems to be moving in slow motion!
WHAM!
There! I put only the smallest fraction of my power into that blow!
“Holy cow! Did you see that!” exclaimed Tiny, as Flash flew clear through the ropes.
“I’m not sure!” Liz replied. “It happened so fast, it was like a blur to me!”
Peter put his glove to his face in shock. This is what I’ve always feared! Even though I hit him as easy as I could, it was still too hard!
Tiny knelt next to his friend by the ringside. “Pretty clever, eh, Flash? You’re just clownin’ around—trying to make Parker think he’s a powerhouse before you finish him off, eh?”
Flash was still in a daze. “Huh? Oh, yeah—sure! That’s what I’m doin’! Just trying to have a few laughs before I clobber him!”
But, despite his brave words, Flash Thompson approached his foe with far more caution than before...
It musta been a lucky punch! B-but how did he knock me clean through the ropes?! It all happened so fast—I probably tripped! Sure, that must be it! I just tripped over the ropes!
Meanwhile, in Engineering, the two assistants were alone with The Living Brain.
“Now’s our chance to take this meal ticket and cut out of here!” one of them whispered to the other, lest he be heard by the nearby engineering officers.
“Right! These people are too busy with running the ship!”
But there was one person who was more intent on the Living Brain...
“Wait! Where are you two going with the Brain?!”
“It’s Petty! We’ve got to shut him up, fast!”
One of them very unceremoniously decked him. His friend was jostled behind him, and said “Hey—look out! You made me bump into the Brain’s control panel!”
It came to life, its arm swinging upward. “Oh no! I must have short-circuited it! Look--it’s moving by itself! It—it never did that before! It’s coming towards us—as though it wants to harm us! How do we stop it!”
As its arms whizzed faster and faster, the two men made a mad dash away from the thing, all the while pretending that they were unaware of how its antics had started.
“We can’t stop it! Can’t get near it while its arms are swingin’ that way!”
“Anything can happen now! Let’s get out of here—while we can!”
The robot rolled ahead of them and blocked the exit. Several engineers crowded around or peered from the walkway above, intent on the strange occurrence.
The two men looked back imploringly at Chief Engineer Argyle, who regarded them and the robot with confusion.
“Is it dangerous?” his assistant, Jim Shimoda, asked nervously.
“Hard to say, Jim. Remember Lore? He could be just as bad. Then again, he’s a piece of history! I’d hate to have to do him any damage....”
In the holodeck, the fight went on...
Tiny continued to encourage his friend. “Come on, Flash boy! You’ve carried him long enough! Give ‘im the ol’ one-two now!”
“Naw, let me prolong the agony a little longer!”
I’m trying to finish him off, but I can’t! I don’t get it! He dodged every punch without even tryin’!
Then Parker spoke up. “Okay, loudmouth! The fun’s over! Now you’re gonna learn a lesson you’ll never forget!”
I’ve finally learned how to hit him without splattering him all over the gym! I’ll just swat him by flipping my wrist instead of my whole arm!
“Here it comes, Flash!” Peter announced as he drew back his fist, offering his opponent plenty of warning. “Now smile--I want to remember you as you look right now!”
Flash smiled, but it was a smile of condescension, as though he knew that Peter couldn’t possibly take him down. Peter, however, faked him out with his right and then swung with his left, taking Flash down with little effort.
“What the hell--!” Tiny exclaimed.
Liz was jumping up and down and clapping her hands in pure excitement. “It’s impossible!”
Wesley stood with his mouth hanging open. “I don’t believe it...”
“Believe it, friends!” Peter grinned with adrenaline as he made for the ropes. “Peter Parker isn’t going to be pushed around anymore!”
But some of them weren’t satisfied.
“I want a shot at ya too, Parker!” Tiny announced.
Peter stared at him, incredulous.
What have I done? I’m in real trouble now, if I develop a reputation for being a fighter. Aunt May’ll kill me, first of all! Second, this could affect my whole Starfleet career! What am I gonna do?
“Sorry, Tiny. I can’t go handing out punches like that as if they’re a dime a dozen. I don’t really like beating people up. I just do it when it’s the only way.”
Tiny stared at him skeptically. “The hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the answer being ‘no’.”
Wesley stepped up at this point. “I don’t think Peter really likes to fight, Tiny.”
Tiny turned now to loom over Wesley, while Peter climbed free of the ring. “Maybe you wanna get up in there with me, huh? I bet you can whip me in circles over your head with just one hand!” Then he seemed to remember that they were there under supervision, because he threw up his hands and left the room.
The robot turned back after the two men, who in turn turned tail and charged toward the nearest ladder. “We can get out of reach of the stupid thing!” one of them crowed.
“How about a stasis field?” mused Shimoda.
“Sure,” said Argyle, “but first, let’s get up the ladder after those two, where the robot can’t touch us!”
“Good idea.”
“Everybody up!” Argyle called out, and his staff began to ascend. He chose to remain until last, like any good commander. The robot, in the meantime, made a beeline for him.
“Shit,” he mumbled. He took off at a run, toward the back of engineering, but there wasn’t another way up, so he jumped into the nearest Jeffries tube, only to find it blocked by the unconscious form of Petty.
“Petty? But he’s--”
The two men. But there was no time to think about it. He shoved Petty ahead of him and climbed into the tight space. The robot was coming at him faster now, so he put up the hatch in its way and breathed a sigh of relief.
But it wasn’t over yet.
Peter basked in all the attention from people who were, under other circumstances, not his friends. Betty Brant found her way over to him and said, “So, it looks like you took care of a few things that needed to be taken care of.”
They locked eyes in an understanding. “Yeah...you could say that.”
Suddenly, he felt his spider-sense alert him to danger. He got a good look around, but the crowd of Cadets didn’t know what he was about at that point. “I’m sorry, I—you’ll all have to excuse me. It’s been fun, but I didn’t do this to, um, for attention.”
Despite their objections, he dashed for the door and tried to use his spider-sense to pinpoint the origin of the danger.
Jim Shimoda looked down from the ladder as he ascended it last. The robot stared at the hatch Argyle had sealed behind him, and within seconds it was prodding it with its makeshift hands, which consisted of three fingers which all could close upon a single point, extending from a rotating bulb of sorts. The robot explored the hatch and was about to discover how to pull it open, and Jim knew that a security field would do nothing to impede it from getting at Argyle. Then again, how could such a bulky construct pursue someone inside a Jeffries Tube?
Peter followed his spider-instinct up to the Engineering deck, where he peered into Main Engineering and saw the commotion; at first, all he glimpsed was an empty deck. Then, as he continued to stare, he noticed the Living Brain at work on a section of wall which was actually a Jeffries Tube hatch.
Curiouser and curiouser, he thought.
The sound of boots running down the corridor alerted him to the approach of security personnel, so he leapt onto the ceiling and into the nearest tube to hide.
“Come on, wake up!” Argyle growled at his unconscious partner inside the tube. “You’re the only one who can shut that damned thing off!”
Petty finally grumbled something and then sat up, holding his head at the dizziness that overtook him.
“What the—why am I—where--?”
“Too much to explain. Your robot’s on the loose out there attacking people, and we need to shut him off!”
“Right, of course,” Petty nodded. “Where is he?”
The sound of the plate coming loose next to him made him turn and look, even though he could see nothing but darkness.
“There?”
“Yes, about to pull that hatch off the wall, and then...well, I guess you know, don’t you?”
“No.” Petty shook his head vigorously, but frowned when it hurt. “I’ve never known him to be violent. Never!”
“Well, he’s got a sudden streak, then.”
The hatch came away from the wall. Robotic arms reached for them. And then...
“Fan out!” Tasha yelled, and she and her team spread out through the room. They all had their phasers out, and the robot spun around to regard them. It paused as though it was calculating its next move carefully. How to escape with so many phasers trained on it?
Petty climbed over Argyle very quietly and groped around the robot’s frame for the control panel. Within seconds, it was deactivated.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. And then...
“Okay! Everyone can relax now! I made it!!” Spider-Man swung down from the ceiling just as the security team and everyone else relaxed and came out from behind cover, or down the ladder, accordingly. Spider-Man could only look around and hold his hands out, palms up, in confusion. “Okay, so what just happened? Did I miss everything?”
Worf bared his teeth. “You do not belong here,” he growled. Worf then raised both fists in a peculiar Klingon fighting stance, but Spider-Man held up his hands passively.
“Not today, Worf. I’ve beaten up enough bullies for one day.”
Worf could only stare at him, confused, as he leapt all the way to the ceiling and made his escape.
Captain’s Log...
We are orbiting Risa, the so-called ‘Pleasure Planet’, to rendezvous with the Fantastic Four. We have crucial data on a star system where Doctor Doom may be up to his usual nefarious machinations. In the meantime, I have allowed some of the crew to beam to the surface to enjoy the planet’s unique offerings. I look forward to an opportunity to beam down myself someday, perhaps on some distant shoreleave, and explore the famous archaeological ruins on the surface.
Spider-Man sat suspended by a slender webline outside of a house in one of Risa’s most affluent neighborhoods. “Affluent” was, of course, a matter of perception, because Risa was a culture which abhorred money, and in fact, one of the world’s most popular saying was “what is ours is yours”. Nonetheless, the people in this particular neighborhood were well-known and well-connected within the Federation and without.
This is where Doris Evans, the Torch’s girlfriend, lives! While I’m in the neighborhood, I’ll pay her a visit and show her what she’s missing by not dating Spider-Man!
Well, hit my head and call me shorty! Looks like I’m just in time for a party!
He hung there and watched as people greeted one another at the door.
“Look! There’s the Human Torch! Hi, Johnny...we’ve been waiting for you!” one girl excitedly exclaimed, as Johnny Storm drove up in an old Earth automobile.
“Johnny Storm!” another girl chided teasingly at the window. “You didn’t tell me you had a replica Stingray! It’s gorgeous!”
“Travelin’ in style these days, eh, Torch?” one of his male buddies added as he leaned on the hood.
Johnny was just eating it up. The look on his face couldn’t have been more full of joy. “Well, it’s no Fantasti-Car, but it takes me where I’m goin’!”
One girl toward the back of his car whispered to a partygoer nearby, “Last week he was driving an XK Jag! And now this! Oh, if only Doris hadn’t found him first!”
A few minutes later...
Spider-Man worked his way around to the side of the house with no one noticing, while the partygoers eagerly filed inside to enjoy themselves with Doris and Johnny. He crept along sideways with his back against the wall, and eventually came to a window where he could peer inside. It was plain to see that Johnny was having the time of his life. With not a single hint of unhappiness on his face, he had his hands in the air and was creating trails of flames for adoring onlookers. Even the other boys at the party watched in awe, and didn’t try to compete with him.
Hmmph! It didn’t take long for that flaming phony to start showing off, Peter thought with mounting disgust. Well, now I’ll show them what Spider-Man can do! I’ll just weave a little web-bat out here! It’ll keep the party from getting dull!
Meanwhile, inside, the Torch used his infrared glowing powers to dazzle his teenage friends.
“Here, Sally! I’ll put an infrared spotlight on you while you dance!”
Sally was attractive indeed. Blonde and slim, with a figure made for dancing. When it was outlined in a reddish glow, she positively shone.
“Mmm! Wait until the actor’s union hears about you, Johnny!”
But all of a sudden, the party was in disarray. “Eek! A bat!!” one of the girls leapt to her feet, and everybody scrambled as the strange, winged figure flapped about in their midst.
“Ohh! Get it away!” Sally groused as she ducked. “It’s so dreadful-looking!”
Johnny stood tensed and ready to attack, but then he said, “Hold it, everyone! There’s something funny about it! It isn’t real! I’ll just swat at it with this pillow, and--Hey! It just came apart! It’s just a mass of some kind of threads!”
“Not threads, sonny-boy!” came a familiar voice from the corner of the room. Johnny turned in startled rage and saw Spider-Man leaning against the wall, casual as you please. “Webs! Gen-u-wine Spider-Man webs! The kind your friendly neighborhood grocer doesn’t sell!”
“Spider-Man!!” Johnny roared, pulling the tangled webs off of himself. “I might have known!”
“Stop bragging! You mightn’t have known! You’re not smart enough!”
“How did Spider-Man get here?” one girl wondered.
“He’s got some nerve crashing a private party!” one of the guys commented.
Another girl added, “Johnny, can’t you get rid of him?”
Spider-Man was a little taken aback by their reactions, especially so soon after Peter Parker had stood up for himself and proven that he wasn’t a kid to be trifled with. He took it in stride, however, and bowed at the waist for his audience.
“Thank you, kind friends, for your warm welcome! Being you insist, I’ll be glad to join your little party!”
Johnny, still covered in web strands, went right up to Spider-Man and got in his face, and it was obvious that he was on the verge of pure rage. “Listen, web-head, I’ve got news for you! You’re as funny as a rusty crutch! So go crawl back under your stone!”
Spider-Man ignored the mixed metaphor and replied glibly with, “Say, you don’t happen to be related to another sunshine boy named J. Jonah Jameson, do you?”
“Okay, big mouth! You had your chance! If you won’t leave peacefully, I’ll toss you out on your ear! Flame on!”
As soon as Johnny’s body was washed in flames, the webs dissolved around him and he was ready for war.
“Who writes your dialogue, squirt?” Spider-Man jibed. “Captain Picard? If it’s a fight you want, c’mon outside!”
Spider-Man fled the house, and Johnny was right on his tail. “I’ll just do that little thing, wiseguy!”
“And awaaay we go!” Spidey cried as he swung away through the rooftops and treetops. Johnny remained in hot pursuit, and it didn’t take him long to hurl a flaming arrow at Spider-Man.
“Here! This’ll bring you down to Earth, laughing-boy!”
It sliced right through the webline that Spidey was on. “Watch that flame, cornball! These webs cost money!”
Spidey nevertheless used more webbing as he created a pair of parachutes, one for each hand, and drifted downward. As he drifted, he sang. “He floats through the air with the greatest of ease!”
The Torch whipped around and flew in an arc that encompassed Spider-Man. “I guess that’ll teach you not to mess around with the Human Torch!”
Spider-Man touched down on a beach. “You kiddin’? I just wanted to see what you can do! And now it’s my turn! Don’t go ‘way, Johnny boy!”
Spidey whipped up two gigantic web-nets and dragged them along the beach so that they collected a lot of sand.
“Okay, you animated insect! You asked for it! Here I come!”
“Oh, no! I’d better prepare a welcome for such a big, bad blazing birdbrain! Come n’ get it, Torchy! This’ll cool you off but good!” With that, Spidey smashed the two web-balls together so that they exploded right on the Human Torch and buried him. When he finally managed to stand again, his flames had diminished significantly.
“That was very unfriendly of you, little man!” the Torch goaded. “Also very unwise! Because now I’m really mad!”
“I guess that’s my cue to fall to my knees and beg for mercy with tears in my eyes, eh? Well, you’ve got the wrong character this time! So how about giving up now, while you can?”
But, drying off within seconds due to the inner heat generated by his intense anger, the Torch tried another maneuver!
“Here’s a little stunt you hadn’t counted on, meathead! I can focus my flame on a small plot of ground, making it erupt...like this!”
True to form, as the Torch applied his heat to the ground, it projected to where Spidey stood and caused the ground to explode beneath him. His spider-sense allowed him to dodge, then duck and cover as clods of dirt flew at him.
“Watch it, man! A thing like this can give a guy a headache!”
“Ver-ry funny! Now let’s see how these flamin’ buzz-saws amuse you! I’ll make you wish you’d never heard of the Human Torch by the time I’m through with you!”
A slew of flaming buzz-saws were indeed hurled Spidey’s way, making him keep a rigorous pace to avoid them.
“I notice you’re not makin’ with the wisecracks now, big man!”
Those things are coming too close for comfort...but I’m not gonna tell him that! Maybe I shoulda just quit when I was ahead!
Maybe it’s not fair to use so much flame against him, but I can’t help it! That guy really gets under my skin!
Johnny prepared yet another special attack for his opponent.
“Come back, you slippery snake! I’m not through with you yet! Here, this fireball will spread into a net, trapping you until you beg for mercy!”
But with his superhuman agility, Spider-Man easily darted through the spaces in the Torch’s flame net...
Whew! I guess I’d better just call it a draw and cut out of here! I didn’t expect tht human matchstick to get so angry!
Suddenly, before Spider-Man could regain his feet, he saw a hand stretched out in front of him from atop a small embankment above the sand, where the rest of the Fantastic Four sat.
“Can I give you a hand, son?” Reed Richards inquired politely, his arm extended to about three or four feet.
“Ol’ Torchy ain’t as easy to handle as ya though, huh?” Thing added in.
“Mister Fantastic! Invisible Girl! And the musclebound Thing!” Spidey couldn’t help but exclaim.
Before Reed knew it, there was webbing practically crawling up his arm. “Wait! What are you doing? Knock it off, boy!”
“Think I’m gonna sit there and let you laugh at me? Well, you’ve got another thing coming...all of you!” With that, he yanked Reed through the air toward him.
“No one’s laughing at you, you fool! Stop!! Don’t force us to get rough!”
“Clam up, skinny!” Thing said to Reed. “What’s wrong with gettin’ rough?! I’m itchin’ to tangle with that clown!”
“I’m really mad now!” Spidey confirmed. “I don’t care how many of you there are! I’ll clobber you all! And then I’ll go back and settle up with that flaming freak!”
Thing hefted a rock that was twice his own massive size, intent on crushing Spidey where he stood. “Stand back, boys and girls! Ol’ Benjamin J. Grimm is gonna knock a little sense into that creep’s fat head! For cryin’ out loud! Where’d he go!”
Spidey had adhered to the opposite side of the rock, completely unbenknownst to the befuddled Thing.
“I’ll give you three guesses, gargoyle!”
“Well ain’t you a riot! I hope you’ve got a good doctor, genius!”
“Your concern for my welfare touches me deeply, handsome! When did you join the salvation army?”
Thing hurled the rock into the ocean. “Dammit! Everyone’s a comedian nowadays!”
But Spidey leapt clear. “Not everybody! You’re a bore, Thing! And now, I’ll make a pair of wings out of my web fluid, and crash-dive down and pulverize you!”
Reed and Thing stood side-by-side, ready for him. “Know somethin’, fathead? I was hopin’ you’d try that!”
“Easy, Ben! He’s only a kid!”
“Yeah? Well this ‘kid’ is gonna demolish that big ape!”
But, before Spider-Man and the Thing could tangle...
“Hey! Leggo! What’s goin’ on here?” Spidey was yanked aside by an unseen force.
“Nice work, Sue!” Reed commended.
“This nonsense has gone far enough!” Sue Storm said from her invisible position. “Now you just stop it!” She turned visible and crouched by the fallen Spider-Man. “You’re entirely too clever and adorable to be fighting with us! I’ll bet you’re as handsome as you are muscular under that mask!”
Ben groaned. “Aw, cut it out, Sue! I just ate!”
But Sue got Spidey and Johnny together and said, “Now why don’t you boys just shake hands like gentlemen and bury the hatchet?!”
“I’d like to bury it, all alright! And I’ll give you three guesses where!” Obviously Johnny was less than interested.
Spidey echoed his sentiment. “Well, well, look who just made a funny!” He took a leap and went on his way. “Go on back to your dull party, Torch! I wouldn’t join ya on a bet! It’s a good thing you’ve got Mr. Fantastic and the Thing to wet-nurse you! And as for your sister Sue...she’s the only good thing about the overrated Fantastic Four!”
From a high vantage point, he wove a heart out of webbing and left it behind for her.
“For goodness’ sake! Look what he left! He spun it out of his web fluid...for me!”
